dust > sparkles

It’s official. Flights for Kenya are booked! I am going back for real. 🙂 Is this real life?!

I am just so excited…some of the things I learned because of the trip last year happened before I even left the US and I am so excited for what is to come as these last 2 months until my departure race by. What all is God trying to teach me this year? Last year, I was having such a hard time trusting that God would provide money for me to get to Kenya. Well, He totally took care of that & so this year, while all the money isn’t taken care of just yet, I have no worries. I know I am supposed to go to Kenya this summer & my Father owns the cattle on a thousand hills so a couple thousand dollars is not an issue for Him at all. But this year has been interesting. The things I have worries and doubts about are a lot stickier. Last week especially, I felt super targeted by the enemy. He for sure is trying to shake me up right now and for a few minutes the other day, I let him.

When I need some time to process things I will usually go on a run for an hour or two. It’s so nice to be able to tune out the world for a little while & leave my phone at home & just spend some time getting stoked on life again, remembering my blessings and just talking with the One who gave them to me. After a pretty tough morning last week I decided to go on a long run to clear my head. I heard some things that were said about me by a family member, things that were very hurtful, partially untrue and that really hit a nerve in my heart. It’s unnerving when the things you hate the most about yourself and want so much not to be associated with your character are spoken out loud by people who have known you for the majority of your life. After hearing this, I decided right off the bat that I shouldn’t let this situation bother me but then it just kept creeping back into my mind. What have I done to make this person feel this way about me? Do my actions and choices make me look narcissistic over any other good traits? I know I act like a spoiled brat a lot. I know my life is at times a complete mess.  I know that sometimes I do a horrible job at showing my love and appreciation. I know. I knowww. So as I started off my run, getting more and more worked up by the minute, the song Embracing Accusations by Shane & Shane came on (youtube it now!) and as I listened to these words, I ended up crying, wiping tears off my face and laughing at the same time as I finished my set of stadiums:

Oh the devil’s singing over me
an age old song
that I am cursed and gone astray
singing the first verse so conveniently over me
but he’s forgotten the refrain
Jesus saves  🙂

Why do I always have to be reminded of God’s love, grace, forgiveness and power? Yeah, I’m a mess. Some days I screw up pretty much everything I attempt, literally tripping over my life. But God is sooo. good. Like a big, huge, endless hug. Or a perfect sunset that never turns to darkness. He is thoughtful. He is kind. He has already rescued me. He has already transformed me into a new creation. And those bad characteristics that I may have been known for in the past?…they don’t belong to me anymore. They are not part of my identity. They may resurface at times, as bad habits tend to do, but I just need to be mindful of who. I. am. and Who’s I am & get back to work.

So who am I? I was reading a blog the a few days ago, I can’t remember which one. But it was basically a Jesus girl’s amp-you-up blog talking about how all of His daughters are holy princesses and how we are so loved and beautiful and how God chooses us to take part in His story. But I mean, when I think of princesses, I think of pink sparkles and tiaras and crowns and fancy dresses and knowing which of the 14 utensils to use first at a lavish, 6 course dinner. None of which describe my life or style at alllllll. I think in my case, that word “princess” needs to be redefined. Maybe I need to make it a little less fancy, a little less sparkly, a little bit weirder, a lot more empowering. Because the crown given to me sometimes looks like a sweaty headband adorning my tangled mane of hair as I get to play sing-song games with a group of rescued orphans in Kenya. And very rarely has God placed me in situations requiring me to wear heels, I was not blessed with that sort of grace 😉 He made my feet so that they shine the brightest and radiate the most beauty when they are covered with red dust that takes days to scrub off. He has designed each of his daughters for a specific purpose, with specific gifts, talents, weaknesses, strengths, body types, cultural backgrounds, everything. It’s time we all start embracing who we are, who we were made to be…if we did, holy princesses would be a fearsome sight to behold, I tell you. No matter how it looks or what avenue of the world we have been designed to impact, we have been called to sprint across hopeless fields with His banner of love waving over and out behind us for everyone to see. And when we are focused on bringing His goodness and His kindness and His love to light- it won’t be my narcissism or my clumsiness or my inadequacies that people will see; the only thing anyone will be able to see is Jesus.

be full of love,

tor

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One Response to dust > sparkles

  1. Kim Vandenberg says:

    Wow!

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