The B Word

So while I was in class today I realized something crazy…first, let me give you a little bit of a back story.

For my first paper in my writing class, we have to write a narrative about ourselves. The rules on this paper are pretty much non existant (just one reason why I am totally loving this class & professor). I decided to write a story about my trip to Jamaica and the impact it had on my life. The good things, the great things, the beautiful things, the distractions. While scratching down names of the people I would include in my story I wrote down Billy’s name. *For those of you who don’t know, this is the guy I moved back to NC for a couple years ago*  Next to his name I wrote “change his name?” and then BAM…it hit me. Is this what has become of a relationship that was at one time my favorite/ most important human relationship? Just a tiny subject in a narrative in my writing class? And not just that, but I thought to even change his name to something it didn’t even matter. It was a very weird feeling. Mostly weird because of how okay I felt about it. I wasn’t as sad as I remember being before.

People in my life still kind of avoid the topic surrounding that boy. My dad and I have even joked & called it “the B word”…he feels bad even saying his name, on the occasion that it does slip out. For a time I couldn’t hear his name without feeling like I would throw up…but after almost 2 full years of life away from that situation, I am so much better, so much healthier. I am very thankful for this relationship, as brief as it may have been. There are still some days when I will have a different opinion completely, but in my heart I am always grateful for this experience. The B Word was there for me in a time when I really really needed him and provided a LOT of support & love. That is something that not too many people are aware of. The hurt is gone.

We tried to be friends after the fact, but it just didn’t really end up working out because of a new relationship he began (the girl felt/feels(?) uncomfortable about us talking) so I have not heard word one from the B word in almost a year. I have been praying for a long time about how I can completely let go of the negativity I have towards this relationship/experience, especially since a series my church did on forgiveness over the summer. I don’t want to cause any issues between the B word and his new wife, so I decided to write it out and send it off into the world. Maybe someone else can identify with this, maybe others can understand me better by reading this, or maybe it will just be that it gets off my chest that is the real benefit. I have said for a while now that I forgive him….but I didn’t mean it. I know now that I really truly do forgive him because when I think about him now, I remember the good things & am thankful for the role that he has played in my life.

My friend Caitlin reminded me of something this summer (& while it may have been on the subject of whether or not cats&dogs go to heaven, it has helped me regardless), she said that God tells us that all will be made right in heaven. So whatever clarity I am lacking now in my life here on earth (in any situation) God has already taken care of it & will either show me that it doesnt matter or show me how He has fixed everything once I get to heaven.

And even though he will never read this (I hope), here are a few things the B word didn’t know about me that I wish he did…

-I loved you better than I’ve loved anyone else & for that I am so proud of myself. I am proud that I had the courage to step out on a limb for love, even if it did come crashing down in a way. But for a time, you were SO deserving of that love.

-I finally got my massage certification. I know neither of us were sure if that would ever happen.

-I Febreze everything. It’s ridiculous.

-I love Tim Tebow. So thank you for introducing me to the crazy world of Gator Football.

-I can’t drive around San Diego without remembering the way I fell in love with you from 2500 miles away.

-I prayed for you on your wedding day. (& for me too.)

-I really truly hope you are happy & I will keep praying for you & your new family.

So here is to FINALLY being able to let go. This is seriously such a breakthrough & I didn’t know if I would ever get to this place. & here is to finding even BIGGER love somewhere else. ❤



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2 Responses to The B Word

  1. adisasullivan says:

    Forgiveness is a healthy thing- the alternative is having your own emotions cannibalize you. So is trust in God knowing the beginning and the end. Bless you and the healing of your broken heart.

  2. Lindsay says:

    Please know, that I understand how you feel. I struggle letting go still. But like you said, certain things happen in life and it makes you a stronger person.

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