free to be me

Today I didn’t listen to a whole lot of music. I don’t even know what song I want to post today…we will see. ūüôā I mostly listened to a friend who is going through a rough time & ate like a piggy at lunch with her & giggled like we always do. I am so thankful for the multitude of friends God has given me. They’re all so different & I love that so much because on a day to day basis, I feel different & I need people around who bring out my different…i dunno, colors?

I’ve been really happy lately. I’m proud of the girl I’m becoming. I’m in love with my Jesus. And although I don’t know where on the planet I’ll be in a year (i guess none of us really ever know for sure), I am happy with the choices I’ve made. Yeah, I need to work on my money saving skills & cut out the procrastination. But other than that, I feel like I have my crooked head on straight. I’ve always struggled with self-conciousness. I am self conscious of my skin, my hair, how I blush at absolutely NOTHING, everything. I’m self conscious about the things I say, the things I don’t say, the things I don’t know, the places I’m not going (a university), etc. Some days I get so consumed with those things that I just don’t like myself all that much. I had a really hard time with it last September(08)-the summer of 09. I moved back to North Carolina primarily for a guy. A guy who I’d never met in person. A friend of a friend that I developed a relationship with over the summer of 2008 & fell in love with. It sounds stupid, and maybe it was, but it was real too. We spent about 6 months getting to know “everything” about eachother. Our likes, our dislikes, hopes for the future, where we wanted to live, what we wanted to do, favorite music, family issues, God, everything. I’d never opened myself up so much. I loveddddd this guy who opened his heart to me from 2500 miles away. I still do. Long story short, I moved back. Things were AMAZING at first. But then, things¬†didn’t turn out as planned. I was cut off without an explanation other than he “wasn’t ready for a relationship” (a relationship we’d been planning and talking about for almost half a year, mind you). I was broken. My heart was shattered. My self image was shattered too. You loved me until you saw me??? I think I’m still mending from that one…

Then I finally picked myself up & dusted myself off…with a lottttt of help from Jesus. The constant receiver of my complaints and whines over WHY I was dragged all the way back over here if the only reason was to get trampled. I connected with old friends, who became best friends. I made new friends, who became sisters. And I got a new job (two actually) & the second one is another contributor to my lack of self worth for a while. I worked with a bunch of friends, & it was fun…most of the time. But there was a lady higher up on the food chain who basically scared the hell out of everyone & got paid to do so. Every time she would call or come around I would get so nervous and insecure and even the simplest of questions from her¬†were answered with stutters & a red face. Things just kept getting worse and she was just plain mean. It hurt my feelings and made me feel stupid and incompetent. I dreaded going to work. I dreaded answering the phone. I lived for the moment when I could scoot my happy butt to my car & jet outta there.

At some point, I don’t know exactly when it was, I had a breakthrough. And excluding the french it was basically just, “who cares?? i feel this way/ act this way¬†for a reason.” I’m silly. I laugh constantly. I don’t see the point in getting stressed over store layouts & bitchy DM visits (because frankly, selling clothes does nothing to better humanity. it.doesnt.matter.). I like to make people feel comforted & needed. I am smart but I don’t talk about politics & sales patterns¬†&¬†things that well-educated people should talk about. I think I’m pretty some days. I like to sing badly & really loud. I will always, always have soccer legs. I never match. I don’t read the back of the box when I want junk food. I love God, everyday. And I will always love¬†my friends and family¬†enough to inconvenience myself for them. I’d like to say that I wouldn’t ever move across the country for someone I love again…but knowing me, I probably would. I am so much more than these few sentences but this past year, those were the things I was struggling with the most (& still do some days).¬†At some point, you’ve¬†just gotta cut the crap, I guess. Conforming is for the birds. So here is my song for today. ūüôā

lovelovelove

t

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3 Responses to free to be me

  1. Brittany B says:

    I lovee your silly self! and I’m so glad we’re over the retail business, haha It just wasn’t meant for us!

  2. haha dude, i so second Brit!
    annnddd is it messed up that while i read this i couldn’t help but bust out laughing (LLOL) as i thought of megan telling you “i’m begining to think you can’t read!” haha oh God it’s no wonder you are scared! we all have been….
    You are so beautiful, inside and out.
    I love that you took the time to make your way into my heart when i was so dead set on not letting anyone else in…your love for our God is always an encouragment and a rebuke to me.
    i love that we never match but i hate hate hateee when you sing so bad on purpose haha i know you have a voice in you that sounds better than that…USE IT!

  3. hahahaha no i mean, it makes me laugh too. but i dont know if its a laugh of shock or disgust or when i just pretend it wasnt me i can really appreciate the humor.

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